Farticus Maximus

Why do you go to the gym? Workout, socialize, pickup dates??  I think most people go for more than just one reason. For me, there are two: 1. killer workout 2. stress-relief. Yes, I stress. Most people think I am a laid back person, but I don’t think I really would be without exercise. When I go to the gym, I workout hard and demolish anxiety.  If I could not do this everyday, I am pretty sure I would be a nightmare to be around…..

But back to my original question, why does the rest of the world go to the gym? I am pretty positive that it is not for the same reasons I do. Let me discuss a few of my favorite characters to clarify:

  • Elly May:  Don’t get too excited- she may think she looks like Elly May Clampett, but the poor girl really needs to invest in some larger gym clothes. Hell, she needs to just invest in gym clothes. Everytime I see this clown she’s dressed in super short denims with her bleach blonde hair in pigtails and a covered in a shit ton of makeup.  I am really not sure what her motive is but I can assure you it is NOT exercise. Come to think of it, I don’t think I have every seen her pick up a weight or put her foot on a treadmill. It’s one thing if you actually look good and prance around, but Elly May, you need to lose the costume and do something better for your ass.
  • Insecurity: Speaking of prancing, Insecurity happens to be a master of it as well, but unlike Elly, Insecurity actually looks  good. I mean it wouldn’t her to attempt a workout or two, but she definitely has potential. Unfortunately, Insecurity is too consumed with watching her boyfriend EVERY passing second at the gym.  Seriously, she will prance around for awhile then go ask her boyfriend to tell her how good she looks (or at least that’s what I assume while I am beside them jamming and sweating like a mutha).  Idk….maybe she does get a workout because it’s honestly exhausting to watch.  Insecurity, if you’re that unsure of yourself- DO SOMETHING! Following around your boyfriend like a puppy dog is just pathetic, and chances are he’s just going to dump for someone else that can actually bench a few like Hair Flip…
  • Hair Flips: Yes plural- there are two of them. These girls aren’t quite as bad as Elly and Insecurity because OMG they actually exercise. Not a lot- heaven forbid they break a sweat and mess up their perfectly curled and styled hair. Ok ok, I might sound like a jealous bitch right now because I a bit of one. They really do have gorgeous hair, but for the gym it’s a bit much.  I would just really like to see them actually do something besides lift 5 pound dumbells and flip their hair, but then again who I am to talk. I’m the creeper writing about these characters…

I’m not that much of a stalker. I just see these people quite frequently and can’t help but wonder about them. The rest of the gym members are pretty impressive. My favorite are the older people though. I get to see more of them these days now that I am working second shift and go to the gym in morning. There are two elderly ladies that are always there lifting, stretching, and working out with the exercise ball. I also see lots of people on the treadmills and elipticals. And today I saw and heard the older lady beside me in pilates. We were doing one move called the bicycle (basically air pedalling), and this poor woman was letting them rip. Everytime she moved I heard her, and it was all I could do to keep from giggling. I’m not a mean person- I am just pretty sure this will be me in the near future, Farticus Maximus….


About jibrantl

I am an endurance racer, figure competitor and health food enthusiast. I have done everything from the Jungle Marathon to the Tri-Fitness World Challenge. I love staying active, cooking wholesome meals and sharing my passion with others!
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One Response to Farticus Maximus

  1. Louisa says:

    I have seen elly may who needs to invest in gym clothes! I don’t understand her. I would hate working out (or even wearing out in public) those outifts she prances around in at the gym. haha.

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